Hardest Day Of My Life

Today was the hardest day of my life. The doctors decided to release me.

Yesterday was a particularly rough day for Avigayil. They did another echocardiogram and saw that although the blood pressure around Avigayil’s lungs has gone down a bit her pulmonary hypertension was still too high. They were not able to start to decrease her NO levels. So it was with much trepidation that I went to visit the NICU this morning. What would today bring? When I went in around 6am the nurse actually had some good news. They were able to start trying to feed her through her nasal gastric tube (ng tube). She was given two feedings of two ml each. On my next visit later in the morning with Dov we were told that she had done well with the first two feedings but not with subsequent feedings so they are going to wait a little and try to feed her again to see if she can tolerate it. We are davening hard that she should not develop the necrotizing enterocolitis that the doctors are worried about. This is a condition that could result in bowel death and require surgery. We were also told that she required a blood transfusion today. Even though we are the same rare blood type they would not let me give to her until I get better. Although a lot of this seems dim, she was looking much better than she has before and when we first walked in to the NICU we got a wonderful surprise. Avigayil was awake and fairly alert. Her O2 was a bit lower and the doctors seemed very encouraged by all of this. At least I would leave the hospital knowing that she was a little bit better.

Then came the hard part, actually walking away. I had been in the hospital for almost two months. I was excited to go home and see my other children, however I was terrified of leaving my baby alone. With Dov by my side I cried as we took the elevator down and as we walked out of the hospital. I cried as we got in the cab, and I cried the entire way home. Mothers after birth are supposed to go through security checks at the door, supposed to be greeted by excited family members and taking pictures. They are supposed to be nervously loading a car seat into the cab and carrying baby blankets and flowers and balloons. They are supposed to come home to present the baby to her enthusiastic siblings and to see mazal tov signs on the door and to start planning the Kiddush or bris. Their houses should be filled with diapers and bottles and baby clothes. For us, there was none of that. Just two exhausted and worried parents climbing into a lonely cab and leaving their hearts behind.

Having Dov by my side was a tremendous comfort. Throughout this entire trial he has been a real sourse of strength pulling on reserves I don’t think even he knew he had. He has been there for me when I was scared and when I needed a reassuring word. He has single handedly been both Ima and Abba (mommy and daddy) while learning, working full time, taking care of the children, running the house and taking care of me. He has done an amazing job. I wish that I could say that now he could take a break. That the hard part was over. However, I feel that the hard part is just beginning. It is a week before Pesach (Passover) and instead of cleaning my house, shopping and cooking like all other Jewish wives and mothers, I will be going every day, twice a day to the hospital and trying to rest and recover in between. I wish I could give him a medal for all that he has done and all that he is about to do. Instead I will give him this. If anyone is in the area and can give him a hand, please call. Taking the kids out for a bit in the afternoon, folding a little laundry or running an errand or two could really help. I know that with Pesach coming everyone is busy, and I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think he could really use it, but there has been so much put on his shoulders lately that I really want to try to lighten the load. As hard as this has been for me it has been hard on him too.    

Thank you to everyone who has done so much already to support us and to pray for us. I have to beg your pardon and ask for your prayers for a while longer. I know that they are helping Avigayil so much. Together we will storm the gates of shamayim (heaven) and beg for rachamim (mercy) on her behalf.